"I'll look like an idiot--but if the fate of humanity is at stake, I have no choice!"

...it is obvious that the blame here lies entirely with the uncooperative parents who have stubbornly failed to pay their children’s ransom, despite my very clear instructions.

Honestly, there’s no telling what you’ll pay today. Maybe $700. Maybe $70,000. It’s a fun surprise!

“My critics say a constitutional amendment or at least an act of Congress is necessary to end birthright citizenship, but what they don’t realize is that a seldom-evoked administrative guideline ensures I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, because zero people will stand in my way,”

Of them all, Judge was like a real brat to me. He taught me to cover the mouths of the pretty bits of sharp so when they creetch in fear, no one can hear them. That way, no one believes them later. It’s a dobby bit of fun.

From Boing Boing, the free encyclopedia

“Whoa, hang on—when I nominated him, I thought it was pretty clear where he stood with the opposite sex, but now he’s on TV going on and on about how all women are entitled to dignity and respect,”

We believe, however, that any issues with the writers’ identities or their motivations for writing this piece are overridden by the necessity of informing the public about what it’s like to work for the president.

“2 guys dressed as russian soldiers in 90F heat to ‘protect’ Trump’s Hollywood Walk Of Fame star from vandalism. That’s next level trollism!”

—Kim Jong Un

The scheme includes a fake instructional video featuring children’s songs and “gunimals” — weapons adorned with soft toys — that would purportedly help kids confront the school shootings that have plagued the United States for the past decade.

Inexplicably, these foreigners are not putting America First. That’s why Trump needs to quit the group and make his own G-8

Wife? What wife? I never had a wife -- Donald "No Wife" Trump (NO WIFE)

Even if I was the Queens Strangler (NO DNA EVIDENCE!) I cannot go to jail because the "Constitution" does not apply to Emmy nominees. SOYBEAN PRICES FALLING!

...admitting the intense sobbing as he kicked the parents off their son helped him finally understand how the power of the parent–child connection made two people very nearly inseparable.

“On the one hand, Mr. Blankenship has said some pretty racist things,” commented one potential voter. “On the other hand, he did go to prison after all those miners died. So it’s a tossup.”

Seeking a lead attorney to represent client involved in an ongoing Federal investigation. Must be familiar with laws and procedures around discovery, executive privilege, international financing of licensed real estate, election law and the Logan Act. Working knowledge of social media, especially Twitter is a plus, as is a better than average knowledge of the adult film industry... Prior appearances on Fox News a huge plus. No fatties.

“After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of interest in a proposal that’s been circulating to sit back and do jack shit until the next entirely preventable massacre goes down on U.S. soil,”

“I have a lot of memories of going back and forth on whether accepting all this money from the NRA made me complicit in all of these deaths. ... but nowadays, I just fire off my ‘thoughts and prayers’ tweet without thinking about it and just keep going about my day.”

A worldwide shortage of thoughts and prayers may leave us with no choice but to actually do something by as early as January 2019, researchers are warning, after a recent study revealed the popular refrain is now fueling 93% of government inaction globally.

“I am deeply sorry for thinking you would all react the way I’m accustomed to and simply disregard all misconduct claims made against someone in such a powerful position”

Here at the New York Times, we believe that all sides of the story should be tolerated and explored... Because everyone, no matter how intellectually lazy their conservatism, deserves a column in our newspaper.

“Just Say It: Trump Is a Racist” — New York Times’ op-ed headline, 1/12/18

“We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.”

While most Americans are openly disgusted by pedophiles, the bighearted people over at the GOP seek to help them find decent, well-paying jobs where they can shape national policy.

Unlike them, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth; I’m a down-to-earth, simple mall pedophile who has dated the children of real, working-class Americans.

“I’m seeing all this news lately about women speaking out against these men who acted very inappropriately toward them and the repercussions those same men now face, and I’m honestly scared of what would happen if one day I’m accused publicly by 10 or maybe even more women whom I’ve harassed or assaulted in the past,” said a visibly shaken Trump

“My accusers are nothing but slandering opportunists taking advantage of the deteriorating influence of the patriarchy that has traditionally silenced any woman who makes such claims.”

“Experts have determined without a doubt that there is absolutely no truth to allegations that Russian interference,” read the website that was reportedly registered last night and began rapidly publishing content for the very first time less than 10 minutes ago.

You know how it is, though. You’re skiing in Aspen or appearing on Fox and Friends, and suddenly things like supporting humanitarian aid to Syria or protecting transsexual soldiers from discrimination just kind of slide to the backburner.

“Once the nation has had time to properly grieve and the continents have completed millions of years of tectonic migration to collide into one supercontinent, then we can bring this issue to the table.”

...the real culprit in these incidents is, and always has been, our country’s inadequate mental healthcare system that leaves troubled, potentially violent individuals without the support they need, and which my colleagues and I have spent most of our careers seeking, often successfully, to defund.

“It’s a good sign that he’s interacting with people—that’s more than we could say for Spicer or Priebus when they got here”

Increasingly optimistic that the callousness they required would be locked down by the September 30 deadline, GOP leaders were confident Wednesday that they will have the cruelty necessary to pass their new healthcare bill.

Battening down the hatches as the potentially disastrous situation unfolded, Texans braced themselves Friday for President Trump’s response to Hurricane Harvey.

"But when I saw the images of those white men in polos carrying Party City tiki torches and weapons, it’s pretty clear American white tribal politics are alive and well, explicitly fueled by President Trump’s regime."

“Anybody else just love leaking information to the press, or have any fun leaking stories they want to tell? It’s totally cool if you do; everybody’s doing it”

“Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next”

Harland Dorrinson, who voted for Trump “because he promised that he would take my health care away from me on Day 1,” said that he was “very upset” that he will still receive that benefit.

They spend how much on transgender medical services? $8.4 million? My God that’s like four screws and a couple of bolts on my ejection seat,” the F-35 told reporters

Even the best-behaved teen is likely to encounter a situation where he or she is tempted to collude with Russia.

9:00 a.m. Military honor guard to fire a volley for each of Trump’s 304 electoral votes

Some have even gone so far as to stand up in front of reporters and offer the ringing denunciation that, “Obviously, I don’t see that as an appropriate comment,” as House Speaker Paul D. Ryan did. Fiery rhetoric, and appropriately so!

“This should only take a minute. Thanks.”

A few moments later, the President said, "I need loyalty, I expect loyalty." I didn't move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. We simply looked at each other in silence. I do not know how many hours passed as we sat there, staring and unmoving. Though it was night, the shadows seemed to lengthen and the candlelight flickered 'gainst the wall. When had the stewards lit the candles? I sat, paralyzed by my own horror or some eldritch secret I cannot fathom. At times the face of my puissant companion seemed nothing more than a mask from out of something older, more alien, peered ever into my own transfixed gaze. And then, with a start, I saw something move! Atop his head—it was—but no, my thoughts recoil, my memos fail, a horror too great to utter.

The Onion has obtained hundreds of documents from an anonymous source within the White House.

“Every day, I get these stupid, dull emails about terrorist stuff or nuclear weapons testing, and I can’t find a way to make them stop”

Read the thing you’re voting on, particularly if you’ve heard someone mention that it might end up killing millions of people.

Obama fired off a punishing fusillade of grammatically correct sentences, the likes of which the American people have not heard from the White House since he departed.

“Well, would it surprise you to learn that the dishes you’ve all just partaken of contain morsels of my 1099-Bs from 1995 to 2015?”

“This act of war on the part of the United States leaves us no choice but to strike Syrian hospitals, schools, and places of worship with even more force and resolve.”

“If we learn that any remnants of this scandal remain after this attack, I will not hesitate to order further strikes.”

The terror inspired by the thought of a Bannon-based sex tape cut across party lines, with Democrats calling the idea slightly more traumatizing than Republicans did.

“It just would not be right for me to sit here alone with a woman-shaped container, particularly one as shapely as this.”

“Eight years ago, our party made a solemn pledge to do everything in our power to ensure that a healthcare bill put forth by the president of the United States did not become law, and through our actions last week, that is exactly what we have done”

“Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration on the economy, civil rights, or the environment, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope”

“For the Samaritan’s work is unsustainable and sends the wrong message.”

BUT HOW WILL I SURVIVE ON THIS BUDGET? you may be wondering. I AM A HUMAN CHILD, NOT A COSTLY FIGHTER JET. You may not survive, but that is because you are SOFT and WEAK, something this budget is designed to eliminate.

...the deeply unsettling comment, which inspired more horror than any remarks she has made sugarcoating the grave impact the president’s policies will have on millions of Americans, delegitimizing the press, or fabricating entire terrorist attacks in order to vilify immigrant populations

“I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued”

Lavrov went on to say he was deeply concerned that Trump’s impeachment would occur well before the president could cause the amount of damage to America that the Kremlin had originally intended.

“If you goddamn Feds want to know whether I’ll turn rat: Here’s my answer”

An exasperated Shoigu went on to say that the administration was in such disarray, rolling back sanctions might take a year longer than planned, and abandoning NATO might actually be out of the question.

At press time, the FBI’s worst fears had not yet been realized, as the Trump administration did not appear to be acting on any information from national security agencies whatsoever.

...he never imagined he’d find himself in a workplace that was staffed wall-to-wall with professionals whose comparatively more serious crimes he could expose to save himself.

“The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables”

...worried that President Trump planned to not only suspend production of facts, but also seize existing ones, leaving Americans and their families completely defenseless.

“Now, more than ever, we as a nation must remain steadfast in resisting the urge to understand the feelings and perspectives of others,” said Trump, adding that a rising tide of dangerous empathy could, if unchecked, quickly engulf the country in compassion.

“And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way”

“With everything that’s been happening in the world, I just can’t help but be encouraged,” said a 6-month-old brown-banded cockroach from a Queens, NY, bathtub drain

Seriously, it was just a few fields and a warehouse, and you idiots still appointed a special prosecutor and spent six months investigating it.

Do you actually think I enjoy appearing on television on behalf of a petty and profoundly unstable narcissist to defend his taped admissions of sexual assault?

Ejecting black people from their residences has been a lifelong passion for Donald.

First of all, congratulations! Expecting a demagogue is truly a life-changing experience.

It occurs to me that this inauguration is exactly the sort of historical event that attracts time travelers eager to change the course of the future.